Twinkling Lights

     Well I am back home, surrounded by familiar places, faces, and voices. And it is good.
 In the past months I have been able to spend many rich hours catching up with dear family and friends in Belgium, Ohio, Texas, Pennsylvania, and Minnesota.
   Since my last post I have flown on 12 flights and traveled on multiple trains, buses, and other modes of transportation and seen more I ever imagined possible within that period of time. I hope to be able to catch up and tell several "untold" stories from those travels, but for now I just want to share a picture that reflects where I am at now.
    It was in the middle of those three weeks of whirlwind, European, tourism that I found myself walking with Katherine along the western shores of Ireland. It was a perfect night. The almost full moon was reflected on the water and the waves came up softly on the beach. It was one of many surreal moments. As we walked Katherine looked across the bay at the twinkling lights and said, "I always love looking at lights across the water like that because I can imagine them to be whatever I want". In an arrogant realist thought I wondered what the point was of imagining such things. Well recently God brought that precious thought of Katherine's back and spoke to my heart through it.
  Because you see I too like to imagine and dream, to dream about the future and imagine about all of the
endless possibilities of things I could do and pursue. And like those far off twinkling lights my far off dreams can be in my imagination whatever I want them to be. What in reality might be an old warehouse can be in my imagination a charming cottage, or what may be a gas station can be a lively cafe.
     As I float closer to those twinkling lights I begin to make out some of the outlines but I am still unable to discern what each light is attached to. I begin to wonder if my imaginations will lead me to disappointment. I wonder if it's safer to stay put and remain in the boat where I can continue to imagine the lights to be whatever I wish, where I don't have to risk the chance of being disappointed. I become paralyzed with the uncertainty and risk.
   But it is then that Jesus comes walking on the water towards me,
"Take courage! It is I (I am with you). DO NOT BE AFRAID"
He then offers me His hand and I am able to step out of the boat and walk with Him towards the twinkling lights. I still don't know which light belongs to the quaint cottage or the old garage, I still don't know if my dreams will disappear or be more than I could even imagined. But I do know that Jesus is with me, that He is good, and that I am not only safe with Him but safe to give my dreams to Him.
   So here were go! To discover what those twinkling lights have in store and what dreams turn into when you give them to Jesus. As Ron Grey said at the recent ACM conference, "no regret, no reserve, no retreat!"

Some photos from Ireland

Clonmacnoise Abbey

Kylemore Abbey

With Katherine at the Cliffs of Moher 

A view from the Ring of Kerry

Sheep, hills, lochs, and me! Connemara, Ireland

Freely we receive, freely give....

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love"-Mother Teresa

It is only appropriate to insert a Mother Teresa quote after spending 11 weeks in her homeland, standing in the location of her birthplace, and visiting her memorial chapel. But this quote is also symbolic of what these past months have been for me. None of what I have spent the past months doing would be considered doing "great things". I haven't launched into a "great" career, poured into a "great" ministry role, or tried to make the world a better place through participating in a "great" NGO or community organization. 

  Instead I have just spent this time changing diapers, preparing meals, giving a toddler a drink of water, reading stories, and going on many many pretend camping trips. But all with great love- a love that I know I wouldn't be capable of giving if it hadn't already been generously given to me.

"Freely you receive. Freely Give"-Matthew 10:8

So much in these past months have shown me how much I have been given and how much I've received.

 I've received much just by being born and raised in the US, by the security  living their at this time provides and by the opportunities that exist.

I've received so much just by how I was raised and loved by my parents and family. So many aspects of my upbringing have resurfaced throughout the days with the children here. Memories that have turned into stories to tell Marta, games and activities that I can apply with the kids, a fascination of the precious and unique moments in each child's life, an appreciation of family time, and of course countless examples of tender and loving parenting that have contributed to enabling me to do the small things with great love.

 Finally, I've received so much more from the Father. From Him pouring His love into my life, supplying strength for each day, wisdom for each situation, grace and peace within moments of chaos, and the joy of living in each moment with Him.

So the only natural response to all of this is to give:

 I have been provided for in order to provide for others, I have been cared for in order to care for others, I have been loved and cherished in order to love and cherish. I have been given much in order to do small things with great love.

  I am so very grateful to have had these past 11 weeks to give to and receive from so many lovely people here in Macedonia. It will be a very broken heart that boards the plane early Monday morning at the Skopje, Airport. It is never an easy thing to leave such a lovely place with such precious people.

      But I will also be returning to some precious faces in Belgium for a few days before being joined by my dearest friend Katherine who will spend several weeks with me on a travel adventure to Paris, England, Ireland, and Italy all made possible by a very generous gift.
So once again freely I receive.............in order to freely give.

"God is in love with us and keeps giving Himself to the world-through you-through me..............May you continue to be the sunshine of His love to your people and thus make your life something truly beautiful for God"-Mother Teresa

With Marta and Filip at the Cross that overlooks Skopje

Snuggle time with Filip

Slodaled (ice cream) time with Marta!

                                   

Amazed at God's goodness towards me in this beautiful country

Just to Be With You

"Miss Anna can I wash the dishes?"
"Can I help make the French Toast Miss Anna?"
These are just a few of the many questions that come out of dear Marta's mouth during a typical day.
And as heartwarming as it is to hear an offer of assistance, when it is coming from the mouth of even the most competent 3 year old it is quickly followed by thoughts of how it would be much quicker to do the dishes alone, or simpler to make the French Toast without help.
    But then I see a pair of eager blues eyes belonging to a little girl who just wants to do anything and everything with me and I realize that my preferences of doing things a certain way or at a certain pace are not important compared to the opportunity to do something with Marta.
          It also is not unusual in a typical day for the chubby hands of a toddler to almost de-pants me in an attempt to get me to pick him up. Once held he is happy to just be with me amused at my attempts to peel a carrot or whatever other task I am attempting to do with one and a half hands.  If I am unloading the dishwasher he is right there as I quickly and strategically remove the non plastic items. One day I was watering the rose bushes and he deserted his balls and plastic bottles to help hold the hose. All of these portray the beauty of a child's desire and delight to just be with a person the look up to and love.
   Of course kids have a tendency to be interested in whatever they see others interested in, but there is also an endearing aspect of their desire to just to be with you. There have been several instances where my first response was impatience at having to share a task or limit my ability to do a task efficiently because either Marta or Filip wanted to be with me. But it is in those moments that the Lord has pointed out the beauty of their desire to be with me. Not because it felt good that they wanted to be with me, but because of the example they are of how we can have the same childlike desire to be with God and do everything with Him.
            Through these daily moments I am reminded that God wants to be with us. That is why He sent Jesus to be "God with us". He not only wants to be with us but He wants us to be a part of what He is doing in restoring people to Himself. And unlike me with the kids, God is not limited by our being with him nor is He impatient by our slower pace or many distractions-just to be with Him is His delight.
    So just as Marta and Filip desire to be with me in anything and everything I do, so too do I hope to have that same childlike desire to be with God in anything and everything. Without an agenda but with a pure desire just to be with Him, live life with Him, to be and do everything with Him.....
 
"For in him we live, and move and have our being"
Acts 17:28

At the pool with Filip (his pants came off somewhere along the way!)

Spent a few days relaxing at a mountain resort in Marlboro, Macedonia

Roaring Lions

   There are times when bed time conversation with little ones are so precious you just want to keep them up all night; tonight was one of those times.
    After a snuggle time with Marta, Feather Tella Tale (her doll), and Chicco Grizzly (a teddy bear) and several Curious George books we went up to brush teeth. Once both Marta's and Feather Tella Tale's teeth were brushed I tucked Marta into bed and snuggled in next to her just like I always did with Keri and told her stories. She loves to hear stories of when I was little and with the upcoming family addition I told her stories of when I was little and when my Mommy would go to the hospital to have babies. We talked about missing our moms and how when she misses her mom when she is in the hospital she can come to me and we can miss our moms together. As I was kissing her goodnight she said, "I'm hungry". Typical stall tactic I thought, but then she said, "Can I eat meat?" Which is different than asking for a yogurt or another treat. So I brought her downstairs and cut up some left over pork chops from dinner and she sat at the table and ate them while I proceeded to do some of the dishes. As she was eating and I was cleaning she said,
"Will you make sure no tigers or lions come inside?."
"Yes, I will. But lions and tigers don't live in Macedonia so you don't need to worry about that," I replied
 This prompted an in depth discussion on where tigers and lions live and why they live there instead of here. Then Marta said, "Well I am just afraid they will comes inside".
 "Marta even if there were tigers and lions in Macedonia we don't need to be afraid because God is always with us and He is bigger and stronger than anything in the world. And when we do become afraid we can talk to God about it and He will remind us that we are safe with Him."
As we were finishing up our discussion the neighbors opened their iron gate and I saw Marta's eyes get very big. I suddenly realized that one could imagine that the sound of the iron gates opening and closing could sound like a roaring lion or tiger so I asked,
"Marta what is that sound? Does that sound make you think of lions and tigers?"
"Yes" she said.
"That's the sound of the neighbors opening and closing their gates, just like we open and close our gates when we leave or come home. It does sound similar to what a lion or tiger could sound like when they roar but it's just Miss Mary returning home! And we don't need to be afraid of that!"
 We laughed and talked a little more about how to respond when we are afraid of something then I proceeded for the second time that night to take her upstairs and tuck her in bed.
   Later I was finishing up the dishes thinking of our sweet little conversation and thanking the Lord for revealing to me that the sound of the gates was connected to her imagination of lions and tigers outside which enabled me to dispel Marta's fears. I felt sorry that she had been afraid of that sound but also found it funny to think of the iron gates as roaring lions and tigers.
      Then God pointed out to me how the fears I have aren't that different than imagining the sound of iron gates to be the sound of roaring lions. All fear is irrational in light of Father's care, protection, and provision. There might as well be neon flashing signs all throughout the Bible that say, "do not fear"! In fact there are approximately 365 places in the Bible that say to not be afraid, which makes me think that not allowing fears to control our thoughts and actions is rather important to God. When I realize how fearful I am I want to cry out like the disciples, "Lord increase my faith!" I want God's perfect love that drives out all fear to be the reality of my life. I am thankful that through a little conversation with Marta I was reminded that whatever I may find to be afraid of is as harmless as the opening of an iron gate because of the reality that I am held in the Father's strong, capable, and protecting hands. So now whenever I hear the sound of the gates opening or closing I think of Marta, of lions and tigers, and of the confidence I can have in a God who calls us out of a life driven by fear and into a life driven by love.



I was able to take a little get away trip last week before the baby arrives and go to Ohrid with friends Jordan and Bosa. Here are a few pictures from our time.

Lake Ohrid, Macedonia

Church of St. John of Kanao

On the cliff at St. John of Kanao
(which I later jumped off of into the lake below)

Beautiful Ohrid!

 

4th of July on US soil

   So how does one spend the 4th of July in a foreign country?

        Recently I have celebrated several 4th of Julys in Belgium, and it is always a blast. You have Rebecca who is very patriotic and brings out all her flags and red white and blue decor and weather permitting always has a cookout at the fire pit at the bottom of the garden and Paul (Canadian) and Annie (French) who graciously join in the celebration. But this summer for me was not to be celebrated in Belgium, but rather in Macedonian which included a 4th of July picnic at the US embassy. That meant technically celebrating on US soil. According to international law embassy grounds are not the territory of the host country but of the country representing the embassy (thus why fleeing individuals often seek asylum in various embassies), so yes I was on US soil for the 4th of July!

Happy Birthday America!

        The embassy picnic was a fun event with very American music (walking towards the picnic my friend Jordan and I were both excited to hear country music!), hot dogs and hamburgers (pickles andyellow mustard that you can't easily find abroad!), and games for the kids.
                   

This is how Marta feels about her hot dog!

 Due to the relatively small size of Skopje most Americans know each other or of each other so it was fun to see and meet other Americans or American/Macedonian families. Unfortunately the event ended early due to God's fireworks/thunder storm but the previous evening they had a larger more formal 4th of July reception and a display of fireworks that we were able to see from our backyard. So I did get a dose of fireworks!

     

 The new faces of Lady Liberty?

 

         Perhaps the most significant part of celebrating the 4th of July abroad is the perspective shift. Sometimes it takes going to another country to see how much I take for granted in my country and how grateful I can be for being born in the US and being able to call the United States of America my country. God bless the USA!

In front of my state flag! OH-IO!

A Birthday in Macedonia

    It is evening once again, the kids are in bed and I am on the terrace taking in the wheat and hay fields beyond the yard and the beautiful blue mountain skyline and listening to the traditional Macedonian music that drifts across the field from a neighboring town. There are so many thoughts going through my head that sometimes it is hard to track them down. But for now I'm going to share about the celebrations of this past week.
    July 1st was my 23rd birthday. The day began typically with Filip's wake up babble turning into wining sobs at around 6:30 AM I was greeted by the morning "kaka" gift and after cleaning him up got him settled with a bottle of milk. A little later on I was presented with an adorable card that Susannah helped Marta make.

On the card Marta had dictated, "We love you very much", instructions for things she wants to do with me when her mommy is at the doctor, affirmation that she likes to play games with me everyday, and the best, "I know my baby should not blow cigarettes".  A popular game she likes to play is that she is the mommy and she is going to have a baby. Usually when we play this game Marta is a bit of a non-compliant patient and informed me that both she and her baby were blowing cigarettes which of course prompted a long lecture about the dangers of blowing cigarettes from the impersonating doctor. She clearly was listening well because she repeated the lecture to a friend who smokes later on as well as writing it on my birthday card! 

Oh the things little ones say!

       

Thank you Marta!

    Susannah was so sweet to make my birthday special. She had a few gifts for me a bracelet and a beautifully silver embroidered piece of traditional Macedonian artwork.

   

Photo credits got to Marta

Susannah also put together a fun dinner outing. We invited her neighbor Mary who has been so kind to take me out with her on several occasions, she is a speech therapist who had lived in the US for 16 years. We also invited Rochelle a friend of Susannah's who has children the same age as Marta and Filip who visit frequently, Rochelle is from the US and teaches ESL here in Macedonia.

 We went to a traditional Macedonian restaurant in Kapan An a 15th century inn originally used for traders and caravans located in the old bazaar of Skopje. The food was wonderful but sadly I can barely remember the names of any of it. There was shopska salad (which is basically tomatoes, cucumbers, and Macedonian cheese) Ivar (a pepper puree spread) and several different cheese spreads with delicious bread and meats topped off with some Macedonian wine. I was beginning to wonder if turning 23 also entailed gaining 23 pounds!

       

    After we finished at Kapan An we walked across the stone bridge to the modern part of the city and had dessert at a lovely cafe right on the center square. Again I cannot remember the name of the dessert but it was essentially chocolate lava cake, and it was amazing.

 

  This cafe is also known for its little Macedonian proverbs for each guest at each table (basically the fortune cookie with out the cookie part). We all picked one out and had fun reading over them and laughing. Some of them were truer for the individual than others. I sometimes wonder if the writers of these proverbs or fortunes look up statistics on what type of sayings are applicable to the most people. Anyhow, mine happened to be quite applicable. It said, "trust and you will understand". That morning I was reflecting on my past year and upcoming year and wrote this prayer in my journal,  "God I trust you with this next year, in fact I am dependent on you to lead me step by step through this next year. Let me step joyfully into the uncertainty of this season......" So that is the plan, trust Him, know Him, dance joyfully through life with Him and watch where the steps take me! 

             

And I get to be with these precious ones all day? I am one lucky girl :-)

Hands and Feet

   It has been almost a month since my last post, and I do apologize for the delay. I have several half-written posts that I never completed (maybe I will one day). One thing I have discovered in my short career in blog writing is that the nature of blog writing makes it quite easy to become prey to a narcissistic way of thinking (which is easy enough to fall into without the help of a me-centered blog).  Of course this comes as a complete contradiction to the humble way of Jesus and recently God has been highlighting the humble servant-hood of Jesus to me and encouraging me to walk in humility. So until I could separate my ego from my blog I decided to let it rest. (I hope to learn how be able to communicate out of a desire to share my life with my friends rather than feed my ego!)
    Since I last wrote there have been several changes. Angela left Belgium to return home the first week of June and Susannah C. arrived to fill her place. Shortly after that JaLeisa arrived from Oklahoma to fill in my position. I departed for Macedonia on Sunday and am now with Vlatko, Susannah  and their two children Marta and Fillip in their lovely home outside of Skopje.
       I am here to serve and help Susannah as her pregnancy approaches its last months. Due to previous c-sections Susannah is unable to lift 14 month old Fillip. So I am basically able to be an extras set of hands and feet for Susannah.
     In Belgium Rebecca often refers to her caregivers as her "hands and feet" and that is quite accurate as almost all the duties we do while we are with her from watering flowers, brushing her hair, or helping her eat are things that she is no longer able to do because of her paralysis. There are so many things that Rebecca would do if she could and although she never speaks bitterly about the loss of her independence and mobility one of the most challenging aspects of her situation is the difficulty of being able to physically be there for her children and grandchildren, And so it is that in many ways my being here for Susannah is just an extension of serving as the hands and feet of Rebecca. If Rebecca could she would be right here like any other woman would be helping care for her grandchildren and helping her daughter during this time. It is out of this vision as a continuation of Rebecca's hands and feet that I care for the children and serve here. It is very humbling to realize I am entrusted to serve in this way.....and I am thankful.
         In a similar way we are all entrusted to serve as the hands and feet of Jesus. Although Jesus is fully capable (He is God) He invites us to share in the opportunity to humbly serve as His hands and feet to all His loved ones. And while I do love serving Susannah and her children very much, it is more the love Rebecca has for her daughter and grandchildren and my love for Rebecca that motivates me to serve. Isn't that in a way similar with us and God? It's not always what makes us feel good, or a special calling, or a significant vision but our love for God and God's love for his children that stirs us to serve His beloved ones as the humble hands and feet of Jesus. What a privilege to be entrusted to serve as the hands that washed the disciples feet and as the feet who went to the homes of outcasts and sinners.....and how thankful we can be.

The view from my bedroom

Time

       One of the major adjustments of a full time caregiver is the sacrifice of time.
    Several people have commented to me on the sacrifice it must be to give up three months of my time to serve Rebecca. But what they don't realize is that setting aside three months of my time is not difficult for me at this stage of life, in fact it is easy to do so joyfully in order to serve Rebecca. The sacrifice is not dropping everything in Columbus to come to Belgium. The sacrifice is dropping everything at any moment to come to Rebecca's side and help her. It is the willingness to sacrifice the moment I had intended to use to read quietly to assist Rebecca's transfer into bed, it's exchanging the time I had meant to do laundry to help write an e-mail for Rebecca. It is swapping my internal order of operations of all that needs to be done for Rebecca's order. It is constantly living being ready to drop everything  at anytime to assist Rebecca. In sum it is recognizing that time does not belong to me.
            But did time ever truly belong to me in the first place? Who came up with the idea that we are owed time-that time is our to own?
  We try to control it with plans constructed within the tight frameworks of clocks and calenders. The irony is while we try to control time it actually controls us. "The month, the day, the hour, and the seconds in which we live in determine how much longer we have to speak, listen, eat, work, sleep, study, pray, or stay" Henri Nouwen says in his booklet Compassion. He proceeds to explain "clock time",  "clock time is outer time, time that has a hard, merciless objectivity to it....Clock time makes us disappointed with today."
   But as one of Rebecca's favorite verses in the Psalms says, "My times are in your hands" Psalm 31:15
             If our times are in God's hands then there is no reason to be disappointed with the day or impatient in the moment because each moment within God's hands is full and rich, we can rest in the knowledge that this is the exact moment designated for this specific time. Surrendering the belief that we can own time allows us to be patient people and "patience makes us loving, caring, gentle, tender ,and always grateful for the abundance of God's gifts" (Henri Nouwen). Recognizing that time does not belong to me and never did allows me to patiently flow with the ever changing current of my days here.
   So my constant prayer is this: Lord my days are in your hands-my time is in your hands. Let me joyfully give up each moment to you-not being restricted or burdened by time but freely walking in each moment with you.Thank you for the gift of each moment and allowing me to share each moment with You.
                          

Photos are from an excursion we all took to the Grand Bigard castle outside of Brussels. The tulips were astounding. The entire outing was filled with a beauty that speaks to the soul.

Eunice- A Mother's Day Tribute

           No, my mother's name is not Eunice, it is Lynn.

    So where does Eunice come in on Mother's day? Well she is one of the super mom's in the Bible because she gets recognition from Paul in his letter to her son Timothy in 2 Timothy 1:5 for her life of sincere faith. 

  But I am not intending to do an in depth Biblical study on the virtuous mother here, in fact it was truly a matter of "coincident" that Eunice came to my mind this weekend.

   Rebecca leads weekly Bible studies with her caregivers and we have been slowly working our way through Philippians.This week we covered the end of Philippians 2 where Paul again brags about Timothy and chooses to send him to the Philippians because he, "has no one else like him, who takes a genuine interest" in their welfare. 

    After reading that section Rebecca mentioned Eunice and how she released her son Timothy to go with Paul and serve as his disciple helping spread the good news of the gospel. Rebecca commented on how that must not have been easy for Eunice. As his mother she must have at one time had hopes that he would settle down near her with a family and live in comfort and security, but she let go of those desires allowing him to go with Paul taking many risks to share the good news and serve the growing churches. There must have been little earthly security in that, but she must have found great comfort in knowing that all of it allowed Timothy to know Christ better.

   I am certainly not trying to draw exaggerated parallels between me and Timothy, but in many ways my mom is like Eunice. Her mother's heart deeply yearns for me to be settled near her, to be able to share life with her, and to be secure within her motherly care, but like Eunice she has released me and  helps to send me out to serve others.
           She has helped provide the secure foundation that allows me to grow out of being rooted in the knowledge that I am highly treasured by her. She has poured her sacrificial love into me in a way that overflows allowing me to extend love to others. She speaks words of encouragement into my life giving me boldness to step out of my comforts zone into new areas. And most importantly she encourages me to seek God above all else.
    I know that until I am a mother myself I cannot fully fathom the depths of a mother's love or how difficult it must be for her to watch her children spread their wings. But I hope she finds great comfort and joy in seeing that she has well equipped her children to seek God and find and experience the surpassing greatness of knowing Him!
    I strongly believe that I am living proof of the faithful prayers of a righteous woman.
Mom, thank you for all that you have done for me, given to me, and prayed for me.
For being a friend and mother to me and for being an example of sacrificial love.
My heart bursts with gratitude to Father for being given a mother like you!
I love you

Dependency

"In the world dependency is seen as immature, but in My Kingdom dependence on Me is a prime measure of maturity"

-Jesus Calling

  Rebecca received the daily devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young for her birthday in April. She now begins her quiet time with this little book and once she is finished with it I slip it out and read the daily excerpt for myself. The other day the book fell open to a page with the line above on it, although it wasn't the devotional assigned to that day I was struck with with word "dependency".
     It is not hard to be aware of Rebecca's dependency on those around her, especially for those of us whom she depends heavily upon. If she is cold at night she is completely dependent on one of us responding to her call and coming to give her another blanket, she is dependent on us to help her use her one hand to feed herself, she is dependent on us to give her the correct medications at the right time, to help place her arms and legs in the correct position, and the list could go on. Since her accident she has become completely dependent on those around her. And with that dependency comes trust, she must trust that we are taking care of all her needs and doing what is best for her.
    Rebecca's life is a beautiful example of dependency and trust. It isn't a perfect example, there certainly are times where she questions what I am doing (for good reasons I'm not perfect!) and there are also areas where her independence is protected. However, the way she graciously surrenders control and peacefully allows herself to be dependent on everyone to do almost everything for her is a beautiful picture of how we can be dependent on God.
   We live in a world where self-sufficiency is glorified and independence is idolized, and I am certainly not immune to any of this. I do believe that God gives us a certain amount of freedom and stewardship of the talents He has given us, but I also have become well aware of how my arrogance prohibits me from asking for His help and how tightly I treasure my independence.
     But in the Kingdom of God dependency is a sign of maturity not immaturity.....
Father doesn't want us to be consumed by demonstrating our own self-sufficiency, He wants to us to be consumed by experiencing how He is all sufficient. He doesn't want us to exert our independence but live out life with Him becoming fully dependent on Him. We know that we can rest in full dependency on God because He is capable of providing all of our needs and doing exactly what is best for us, because He is trustworthy.

Tulips from the Petrie garden

Lunch picnic with the Petrie clan and  friends celebrating the Belgian labor day, Premier Mai

Did you clean behind your ears?

      "Did you clean behind your ears?"
      Isn't that just the classic mother's reminder? I doubt that I will ever hear that cliche phrase the same again.
       During one of her post accident surgeries Rebecca received some nerve damage that now causes areas on the right side of her face and head to be extremely sensitive and vulnerable to excruciating pain. Thus making it quite challenging to wash behind her right ear. However, as much as we dread  washing behind her ear, it must be done.
   Today we decided to bolster up some courage and address that area by cleaning behind her ear. After applying several lotions intended to reduce the pain I went to work. With a cue tip I tried to be as soft as a butterfly and gently clean this sensitive area. Even this slight irritation began to cause Rebecca pain and triggered nerve pain all throughout her face. Knowing I was causing her pain was painful for me. The last thing any caregiver wants is to cause pain to the person they are caring for and the last thing I ever want to do is to cause pain to someone I dearly love. But it had to be done. So I continued to work away until Rebecca told me that she had reached her limit and could not handle any more.
     As I was leaving her room to prepare lunch she said, "Anna....thank you".
  Thank you? I had just caused her to have excruciating pain and she thanked me? Yes, it was under her supervision and for her well being, but still to say thank you for the pain through the pain? And yet somehow through the pain she was able to put herself in my shoes understanding that this chore was difficult for me as well and to thank me for following through with it.
 Somehow that being thankful in all things comes back around and giving thanks in all circumstances includes experiencing pain such as the pain induced by cleaning behind Rebecca's ear. I know that I don't fully understand what it means to be thankful in all things and especially to be thankful in the pain, but I hope to be able to carry this picture of being thankful in the pain for the pain and to treasure it my heart to utilize in the moments when I do encounter pain.

Beauty is Resilient

Two things I cannot fathom: The extent of pain and suffering and the resilience of beauty.
 
      The Boston marathon victims were on my mind as I went on my run today. Not because I thought it could have been me injured there in the Boston bombing. No, running the Boston marathon has never crossed my mind. But the fact that tragedy can strike anyone, anytime, anywhere for no reason at all was heavily on my mind. As I continued to run I realized that I was running on streets once occupied by Nazi soldiers and that the tragedy of the Boston marathon is just a drop in the bucket, no, in the ocean of human tragedies. When I tried to fathom all of this it was too much for me. I cannot even comprehend the small extent of human suffering I have witnessed through caregiving, so I obviously cannot even wrap my head around the massive extent of human suffering that has occurred and still exists in the world today.
         I continued to run and it was then that I began to marvel at the beauty of the pale green buds and the wispy blossoms on the tress and the brilliance of the yellow daffodils. My heart lightened as I heard the birds singing and watched a child skip alongside her mother.
      I realized that beauty is resilient. Beauty remains despite history's track record of pain, horror, and tragedy. It pokes out like flowers in spring in spite of all things evil. It speaks of hope, of a return to things as they were created to be. Beauty reminds us that in the end the Creator of everything good and beautiful wins. Marvel in the beautiful things, find hope in the beautiful things, let the beautiful things point to the One who can heal and restore what is broken and hurt.

Brueghels

       I am not an art history expert.........not even remotely close, but recently I have enjoyed art and what can be spoken through it. So when my off day fell on another cold and rainy day I decided why not spend the afternoon meandering through the Belgian Royal Fine Arts Museum? The museum itself was gorgeous and separated into both ancient and modern art areas. And as I said, I am not an art expert so I cannot adequately explain what was displayed. But in the modern art galleries there were lots of impressionist painting and in the ancient art galleries lots of medieval and Renaissance religious paintings. Sometimes I felt like I was walking through the Bible in paintings (and it was rather interesting and sometimes humorous to see various depictions of Jesus and other Biblical characters).
       What I found most interesting was that many of the Biblical scenes were contemporary to the time they were painted. The artists chose to place many of their Biblical scene in their contemporary world with European towns in the background and their characters dressed in 15th century fashion. So trying to make Jesus and the Bible relevant to the current culture is not a new phenomenon.
      My favorite of these types of paintings came from Belgian artist Pieter Bruegel and his son Pieter Brueghel II. Bruegel senior was known for his Belgian peasant scenes and many of his paintings made me think of the Richard Scary's books I read as a kid because there was always so much going on. My favorite of these paintings was "Census at Bethlehem" (see below)

And then this sequel "Adoration of the Magi" done by Pieter Brueghel II

     What made these two painting stand out to me wasn't that the Pieters chose to depict the birth of Jesus in a Belgian town in the winter, but how the artists depicted the hustle and bustle going on throughout the entire scene. Jesus is coming to this town town and is present among the peasants and they don't even know it. They are occupied with their duties, with hauling water, with snow ball fights, and with watching little children slide down frozen canals. They don't even care or notice that Jesus is with them.
     Emmanuel-God with us. Isn't that what we say and celebrate at Christmas? Yet even though I know that God is with me and that Jesus is alive and living and active in me through the Holy Spirit I realized that I often live life like these Belgian peasants. I go about my day as usual occupied by the daily activities forgetting that Jesus is right there beside me ready to be worshiped and adored and ready to just be with me. How often I lose sight of this marvelous reality. So thanks to those Belgian Brueghels I was reminded of the simple but incredible truth that God is with us.

Feeling

    I have come back to Belgium, to Genval, to my little room on the third floor, to Rebecca, and to all who are involved in the household here. And it is so very good.
  A week ago Angela (the other caregiver who traveled with me) and I left Columbus and flew to NYC then to London and then onto Brussels. We had very smooth flights and I especially enjoyed having a travel companion.
     We had hoped to leave snow behind us in Ohio, but we were wrong and have had several snow showers since our arrival. Due to various reasons we have jumped right into the flow of things here. Several of the people in the household are fighting off a virus (which thankfully we have not caught) and consequently we had a quiet and low-key Easter weekend, but even the sickness could not diminish the excitement of proclaiming "He is risen!" on Easter morning.
     Something interesting that I have observed after being around people with spinal cord injuries is that feeling is not just one sensation. When a person like Rebecca injures her spinal cord and recovers some feeling it is not every sensation that we refer to as "feeling". She may feel hot and cold but not soft and rough or dull and sharp. This realization fascinates me and I wonder if the way we are able feel God is similar.  At one time we could feel every aspect of Him, but that connection was damaged and is now in the restoration process. We may feel a sense of His affection towards us or His delight in us but it's not the entire feeling. What if there is an entire array of feeling God that we cannot yet experience?  Isn't it wonderful to know that one day we will be able to fully feel and experience God? Isn't that why celebrating Easter is so exciting? It reminds us of our hopeful anticipation of fully feeling, experiencing, and knowing God. And while we wait for that day to come we can still feel God in new ways even if it is just the outer edges of what is to come. I look forward to feeling God in new ways each day, even if just the fringes of His ways......

Snow dusted morning

MVP

      As many of you know I am back in Columbus for this season and am thoroughly enjoying the incredibly rich times with the friends and family that surround me here. For the first time I am working a full-time 8-5 job as a caregiver/office assistant for a care-giving agency. I am also happy to be the newest resident at the Puttick household and blame the wonderful folks here for my inability to get anywhere on time or get anything done. (I always find myself caught in long conversations).
     One of the highlights of my week is being able to return as a volunteer coach with my brothers Stephen and Peter for the Special Olympic basketball season. This past week one of my favorite athletes Gabe (am I allowed to have favorites?) came up to me and asked if another athlete named Natalie still came to basketball (I've changed the names). I told him I hadn't seen her in weeks and asked why. He said she always told him he lost and that it was his fault because he was a loser (she is known to be a bit of a bully).
        "Gabe" I said looking into his eyes, " you are not a loser, you are my MVP!"
After a blank stare in response I asked, "do you know what MVP means?"
     "No" he said.
"It means most valuable player" I responded.
     "What does va-valable mean?" Gabe asked working to pronounce the new word.
"It means you are the most important, the best, and that we could not play well without you," I said.
      Gabe gave me a shy smile and he said, "ok!"
"So remember," I said, "You are my MVP!"

     Later Father reminded me that I am His MVP (we all are) and that just like Gabe I don't understand what valuable means.
      My understanding of value is often based on how expensive something is or as Skye Jethani wrote in The Divine Commodity that "value is found only in something's immediate usefulness, in its ability to satisfy our immediate desire."
    My understanding of my value to God is similar, often based on how much He paid for me (Jesus' death on the cross), how useful I can be in serving Him, or how devoted in worship I am to Him. But what if He values me not because of what it cost to save me or because of what I did, do, or can do for Him, but solely because I am His and because He created me? I am valuable because I am His.....His treasured possession.
 
    As I ask God, "what does valuable mean?" He begins to show glimpses of what my value to Him is and how He treasures me. Then the scary part comes, I realize that He also highly values and treasures everyone I interact with. I can no longer view others the same with this understanding. How can I judge, snub, or ignore another person if I know how valuable they are to God? How intrinsically valuable they are because they are His? So with this awareness I am learning how to respond to the client who is anxious about her failing sight knowing that she is highly valued by God, or to the client dying of Lou Gehrigs disease who I know is God's treasured possession, or to the Special Olympic athlete who believes haunting lies knowing he is cherished by God.
        So like Gabe I continue to ask Father, "what does valuable mean?"
 I can also ask, "What does it mean to be highly valued by you? To be treasured by you?"
And finally,  "How does knowing that truth change the way I relate to you and those around me?"
    Then I wait in great anticipation to hear His response to my questions.