Not a very flattering post

             There's nothing quite like staring directly in the face of your own wretchedness to remind you of your desperation for God's grace. Recently there have been several days where I have wrestled with arrogance, impatience, selfishness, unkindness, and irritability. I would become frustrated by the moody television, the every five minute request from the dogs to become their doting doorman, by the salad that fell off Rebecca's spoon as I was feeding her, or the ringing of the telephone and my belief that I was the only person in the house capable of answering it. I would even get annoyed if I was asked to do something for Rebecca at a moment I found inconvenient or in a way I thought irrational, although the very reason I am here is be her hands and feet! I used to think that I was pretty good with people, but staying in the house and working with the same three women around the clock 6 days a week has provided an excellent opportunity to recognize that I have much room for improvement. I found myself becoming annoyed by every little thing, and it wasn't that they anything was being done differently, nothing had changed, except me. I had lost my peace.
               One morning I became defensive about some silly detail while getting Rebecca up in her chair. Later Annie humbly came up to me and apologized for anything she had said or a tone of voice she used that caused me to become defensive. It took her humility to humble me because it was entirely my arrogance that caused me to become defensive and not anything she said or did. It was one of those moments that the reality that apart from God and His grace I can do nothing became so very clear.
                Later in the day Rebecca shared during our Bible study from John 16:33, "I have told you these things so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world", her Bible's study note explained that the word "trouble" includes stress, pressure, anguish (sound familiar?). She continued from John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" and explained that although God does not give us peace like the world gives (comfort, ease, convenience, things the way we like it) He does give us  a deep peace when we abide in Him. She said that when we loose our peace we must go back and ask where did we loose our peace? I believe I lost my peace when I forgot to abide in Him and when I forgot to thank Him for all of those little things that drive me crazy. I was reading in Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together where he says, "only he who gives thanks in little things receives the big things. We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do no not give thanks for daily gifts". I certainly don't want to miss out on God's great spiritual gifts because I have failed to recognize and give thanks for the daily gifts including the gifts of the things I don't like. It is only when I am abiding in Christ that I can have the ability to be thankful for the barking dog that wants let out for the 50th time, or that bite of salad that slips off the spoon, or being asked to fold the blankets in a different way.
 "Peace I leave with you' my peace I give you", I cling to these words because without God's peace that comes from abiding in Him I will have to live with my selfish, prideful, and anxious self....and that's not very fun.

6 am Genval, Belgium

"Where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy" Psalm 65:8