Speechless

            Usually during Thanksgiving there comes the time to say some of the things we are thankful for, my go to list usually includes God, family, and friends. But after yesterday's celebration I realized how grateful I am for the ability to communicate, for full functioning arms and legs, and complete mental capacity (at least I like to think that's true!).
            I am so grateful to have been able to share Thanksgiving with Thomas and Beth and their family. They decided to bring the feast to the rehabilitation center and invite everyone at the center to join in the fun. Wednesday Beth and I went to all the rooms passing out invitations to each of the patients and posting them in the nurses stations. On Thursday we got up early and went to decorate and prepare the room where the feast was to be held. Another patient and his family joined us and we had so much fun putting up decorations with his family. Many of the patients who were able went home for the day with friends and family, but there were many others who were unable to leave and quite a few of them came and joined in on the fun bringing  their family members along with them.
             Each patient with their families had fascinating stories and were on different journeys towards recovering. I can't even fathom what it must be like for the family members and the patients who one day fall off of a roof and suffer sustaining brain injuries, or were severely injured in a truck accident, or suffered a stroke  loosing the ability to use half of their body. Sharing Thanksgiving with all of these people made me so grateful for all the functions that I take for granted. It also helped me understand that gratefulness is not always about circumstances. Yesterday was certainly a beautiful expression of being thankful for everything and rejoicing in all things.
             I ended up spending most of my time with one patient in particular. I realized she was new to the center and introduced myself to her and asked if I could help get her a plate. That was when I realized she had suffered a stroke and struggled severely to communicate. We were not the best pair between my hearing comprehension difficulties and her speech challenges, but she was very patient with me and we got by. Although she had lost the function of her right hand she had learned to write with her left hand and often would resort to communicating through writing on a little notepad. My heart broke when I realized how alienating it must be to have thoughts and the desire and often times need to communicate but be unable to. I know that many people who suffer strokes or other injuries experience that, but spending several hours with someone who is unable to speak left me speechless just trying to imagine what it must be like.
            Through our laborious communication she shared with me that she enjoys reading the Bible and was finding hope through Jesus' words. Beth and I have the opportunity have some more time with this patient to share together over lunch on Monday and I hope it will be a rich time. I was touched that although it is difficult for her to express her thoughts and feelings with people, she can know that Jesus already understands her thoughts, feelings, and desires without her having to verbalize them.
             I know I have so much to be thankful for and am learning that more and more through my time here. But I also know that I can be thankful in all things and rejoice in everything because nothing can separate us from Christ's love, not even being speechless or unable to walk or move. And that fact, being unable to be separated from Christ's love, makes me more grateful than anything else and leaves me speechless when I consider His unfathomable love.
 

Perplexing

          I have been here in San Antonio almost four weeks, spending the week days in the rehabilitation center with Beth and the weekends resting at the house. Beth continues to be a delight to serve and I am continually amazed that God allows me to serve her during this time.
         It amuses me when I realize how perplexed the staff has become by my presence here. I can't count how many times I've been asked if I'm Beth's sister. They cannot comprehend why someone like me who is not related to Beth would choose to come from Ohio to spend several weeks in this hospital-like environment. (Sometimes I wonder if they think I am homeless and find the hospital bed more comfortable than sleeping under a bridge). They just can't seem to place me in any of their boxes of typical visitors.
     One nurse was particularly perplexed by her inability to understand this and she appeared to feel that my presence represented criticism of her care. This women's insecurity and inability to place me caused her to snap at me one evening while I was helping Beth. She told us she would go and get the "expert" and promptly came back with a nurse tech to replace me (I wasn't offended I just went back to sleep!).
       But I think the reason many people here cannot understand why I would do this is that they don't understand Jesus. Of course I would lay down life in this small way for my friend because that is what Jesus did for his friends and I am just trying to follow Jesus and be an imitator of him. Jesus teaches us that anyone who wants to save his life will lose it but he who loses his life will find it. This is so very true, I am finding my life by "losing" it. It is through putting my life on "pause" and serving Beth at this time that I experience the Lord's delight.
  If people are surprised by my willingness to do this little act of service how much more astounded will they be when the realize what Christ has done? And how much more amazed when they understand how he laid down his life for his friends-for us?
   But I won't blame them for being unable to place Jesus in any box. He doesn't fit any specific structure, formula, or model. He perplexes me with his inescapable love. And what an adventure it is to follow a Savior who continues to astound me with his reckless love that cannot be understood!

Watching Miracles Happen

      "The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy" Psalm 126:3

             I flew into San Antonio on Tuesday night and was able to to slide right into assisting Beth. I am able to stay at the rehabilitation center with Beth helping her when she needs it (which isn't often) and being with her throughout her day. This may sound repetitive, but it is such a privilege to be with Beth during this time and incredibly humbling that God allows me to be of assistance to her.
              One of my favorite parts is going to the gym where most of the occupational therapy (OT) and physical therapy (PT) sessions take place. This is where all the fun happens. Beth has an incredible work ethic that is supported by her strong faith. Just this week she has gone from not bearing weight on her legs to taking four steps with the use of the parallel bars, to completing the whole 20 ft length of the parallel bars, to walking a few steps with the assistance of a walker, and now mastering walking with the use of the parallel bars. I get to watch miracles happen! And I'm not alone, the PT's, OT's, doctors, nurses, and staff are astounded by her progress. It has been so fun meeting and interacting with the staff here and the other patients and their families and witnessing these miracles together. It is as if everyone is rooting each other on and celebrating together when each new step is taken.
           I like to imagine that similar scenes play out in our walk with God. Here we are on earth learning to take these steps of faith, stepping into the unknown while trusting in the unfathomable wisdom and love of our Creator. Sometimes the steps seem so hard or very little, sometimes we go 20 ft. other times we take four steps, sometimes we wobble a bit or falter, yet all around us Father and His angels are rooting us on and cheering when each step is taken. And just as Beth's body is working to restore the original function of her legs so too is God working in our hearts restoring the broken and disconnected parts back in relationship with Him. And He is there in each step taken towards that re-connection with tears in His eyes encouraging us forward and allowing us to fall into His arms when we feel that we cannot take one more step.
               As Beth often says, "God is so good to me". He is good and He is rooting for us and wants to be with us every step of the way because He loves us more than we can imagine or comprehend.

Heritage

"You have given me the heritage of those who fear, revere, and honor Your name" Psalm 61:5

Heritage-Valued objects and qualities that have been passed down from previous generations.

    Shortly before I left for Belgium in June I attended the funeral of Debbie Holbrook, my dear friend Katherine's aunt and family friend. I never knew her personally but I was so encouraged by the words her friends and family shared about her and the selfless lifestyle she lived. Many spoke about what a great listener she always was and I remember returning home pondering how I could become a better listener of people and of God.
      In the months leading up to Belgium I was able to spend some time caring for JoAnne Cook, our late pastor Mike Cook's wife before she moved to be with her son in California. I had known her my entire life but was able to know her on a deeper level through those times. Although her body seemed weak and frail, her prayers were strong, and in those times when I thought I was caring for her she was caring for me by installing in me portions of her spiritual strength.
      And then I went on to Belgium and spent three months with Rebecca Petrie learning from her daily what it was like to be thankful in all things and to have a joyful spirit in all circumstances. Most of my past blog posts have been about that time and the treasures I received through serving there.
  Today I attended the memorial service for Milly Dawson, mother of my "Aunt" Tacee and wife of the late pastor Frank Dawson. Aunt Tacee has a way of adopting every young girl in church, and I am privileged to be included as one of her girls. Aunt Tacee spent the past years caring for her parents. In spending time with her I got to know Milly. I remember sitting on the porch with Katherine Holbrook listening as Milly told stories from her childhood and about raising her family. At her memorial service her friends and family spoke of how grateful she always was and how she chose to be thankful even for the difficult things in life.
   When I think about the word heritage I think of the incredible spiritual heritage these women have given and are still giving to each generation. I feel incredibly privileged to have been able to receive in various amounts their spiritual heritage either directly or trickled down through those who knew them better. It is the heritage of their lives spent in service towards others and in gratitude of God's goodness that propels me forward to live out a lifestyle of gratitude and service.
        This is why I am so very thankful to have the freedom and opportunity to now serve Thomas and Beth Hernandez in San Antonio, Texas. I met Thomas and Beth at a young adult's conference in 2009 and I was instantly inspired by their contagious love for people and love for God. While I was still in Belgium I received news that Beth had been in what was described as a "freak accident" and had broken her back losing mobility in her legs. You can follow her story at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bethhernandez/mystory. It is now my privilege to fly down to San Antonio on Tuesday and be of any assistance to Beth during this time. I get to begin this next journey knowing that I have been filled to be emptied with the heritage of those who fear, revere, honor, and love God.

Changing Seasons

    I noticed the tips of the leaves beginning to turn from green to red and orange while I was running around the lake this week, my favorite season Autumn has arrived. And while this glorious season begins my marvelous season here in Belgium is quickly coming to an end.

     I can't even begin to process all that these past months have been for me or even attempt to find words to describe the precious months. My heart is so full of gratitude. Rebecca's sister Judy shared today from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts and in it she says, "it's the fundamental, lavish, radical nature of the upside down economy of God. Empty to fill".
    I came here to spend these months serving Rebecca, to give of my time and energy and in each way I was emptied I have been abundantly filled. Voskamp also writes, "God extravagantly pays back everything we give away and exactly in the currency that is not of this world but the one we yearn for: Joy in Him".  What a great exchange rate! As I give of myself I receive His joy in exchange.

   I am in awe of God's perfect guidance in bringing me back here, and am so thankful for all the incredible people I have been able to meet and share life with here. It has been a delight to share care-giving duties with Naomi and Abigail as well as overlapping with my predecessor Tess and my successor Abigail White. We quickly form deep friendships over our shared experiences here. 

   And how can I even begin to describe the privilege of serving Rebecca? I told Rebecca earlier today that, "I hope I have fully taken advantage of you and of this precious time here and I hope that I don't loose any of the things I have learned here".... I dread saying goodbye. Although I seem to keep finding my way back here at some time or another it is still extremely difficult to part. Logistically it makes sense that it would be difficult to part after spending the majority of most of my days for the past 3 months with Rebecca being her hands and feet. And although many times I can read her thoughts or subconsciously do things before she has asks, it is not just the bond of living life together so closely that makes parting so difficult, but it is the richness of spending so much time with Rebecca as she gratefully celebrates life. It is her sense of humor and joy..... oh I will miss laughing and teasing with her. It is her perspective on life and perpetual gratitude, it is the wealth of wisdom she so generously shares, and it is witnessing her deep love for God and her secure knowledge of His love for her. I long for the day when I can look back over 50 years of walking with God and speak of His love and faithfulness the way Rebecca does.

       Psalm 61:5 says " You have given me the heritage of those who fear your name",
 I have been given such a beautiful spiritual heritage from Rebecca through this season. The question that remains is what will I do with what I have been given?

            My prayer is that because Father has given me so much and filled me until I am overflowing that I won't waste it. That He will guide me in ways to extend what has generously been lavished on me through this season into the next season of my life. Whatever this next season holds be may I continue to be emptied to be filled.

Faithful

Sometimes the midnight turn with Rebecca feels like reliving the sleepovers I used to have with my friends. Rebecca has an incredible joy that surpasses her circumstances and this ability to have fun in any situation. Midnights frequently become subject to this ability to have fun anywhere and anytime. So I often find myself I perched on the side of Rebecca's bed listening to her stories as we laugh and giggle together like little girls. Rebecca is a gifted story-teller and a woman with many amazing stories to tell so I savor these moments of watching her beautiful face as she recounts story after story, each a testimony of God's faithfulness in her life.
          When she becomes drowsy we call it quits and I leave her to go back to sleep. Above the dimmed light in her bedroom is a plaque with the words "God is faithful" written on it. As I leave the room I glance up at the light as I switch it off and watch the light fade over the words "God is faithful". Rebecca has told me that the hymn Great is Thy Faithfulness has become one of her life anthems, and what a testimony her life is. I can declare God's faithfulness but my twenty-two sheltered and comfortable years do not carry the same weight as Rebecca's. But for Rebecca to declare God's faithfulness after 50 plus years of walking with the Lord and after an accident that left her paralyzed from the neck down, truly is a strong testament of Gods faithfulness. Being able to share life together so closely challenges me to have deeper faith in my ever faithful Father.
  After switching off the light I turn towards the door and on it is a poster with the words, "celebrate life" written on it. This continues to declare God's faithfulness, because when we know that God is faithful we have no reason to fear and can celebrate the life He has given us. Rebecca has chosen life and daily chooses to celebrate the life God has given her. Although few survive the type of neck injury Rebecca experienced, God chose to miraculously allow her to survive. But surviving meant living in paralysis, like a prisoner in her own body Rebecca's life as she had known it had been altered for the rest of this life. However, Rebecca could not settle to just survive such a serious injury, she chose to thrive, to celebrate the new life she has been given. She often optimistically says, "who gets to start a new life in their mid 50's?". She has chosen to embrace her new life and even to celebrate it. She celebrates life in the mundane daily activities, through the beauty of her garden, and even during the middle of the night. Her life and the way she lives it declares the truth that we can celebrate life in whatever form in takes because we know our lives are entrusted to the faithful Creator.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful"
Hebrews 10:23

Not a very flattering post

             There's nothing quite like staring directly in the face of your own wretchedness to remind you of your desperation for God's grace. Recently there have been several days where I have wrestled with arrogance, impatience, selfishness, unkindness, and irritability. I would become frustrated by the moody television, the every five minute request from the dogs to become their doting doorman, by the salad that fell off Rebecca's spoon as I was feeding her, or the ringing of the telephone and my belief that I was the only person in the house capable of answering it. I would even get annoyed if I was asked to do something for Rebecca at a moment I found inconvenient or in a way I thought irrational, although the very reason I am here is be her hands and feet! I used to think that I was pretty good with people, but staying in the house and working with the same three women around the clock 6 days a week has provided an excellent opportunity to recognize that I have much room for improvement. I found myself becoming annoyed by every little thing, and it wasn't that they anything was being done differently, nothing had changed, except me. I had lost my peace.
               One morning I became defensive about some silly detail while getting Rebecca up in her chair. Later Annie humbly came up to me and apologized for anything she had said or a tone of voice she used that caused me to become defensive. It took her humility to humble me because it was entirely my arrogance that caused me to become defensive and not anything she said or did. It was one of those moments that the reality that apart from God and His grace I can do nothing became so very clear.
                Later in the day Rebecca shared during our Bible study from John 16:33, "I have told you these things so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world", her Bible's study note explained that the word "trouble" includes stress, pressure, anguish (sound familiar?). She continued from John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" and explained that although God does not give us peace like the world gives (comfort, ease, convenience, things the way we like it) He does give us  a deep peace when we abide in Him. She said that when we loose our peace we must go back and ask where did we loose our peace? I believe I lost my peace when I forgot to abide in Him and when I forgot to thank Him for all of those little things that drive me crazy. I was reading in Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together where he says, "only he who gives thanks in little things receives the big things. We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do no not give thanks for daily gifts". I certainly don't want to miss out on God's great spiritual gifts because I have failed to recognize and give thanks for the daily gifts including the gifts of the things I don't like. It is only when I am abiding in Christ that I can have the ability to be thankful for the barking dog that wants let out for the 50th time, or that bite of salad that slips off the spoon, or being asked to fold the blankets in a different way.
 "Peace I leave with you' my peace I give you", I cling to these words because without God's peace that comes from abiding in Him I will have to live with my selfish, prideful, and anxious self....and that's not very fun.

6 am Genval, Belgium

"Where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy" Psalm 65:8

The 4 best days of the years (LDFC)

    Labor day weekend has become almost a cherished relic within my family. Described as the four best days of the year, my family along with many friends from our church community travel to West Milton, Ohio for a weekend spent in drafty cabins or dormitories (or even better tents), eating food from Styrofoam plates in a cafeteria whose dinner bell falls down from time to time, playing any variety of sports across the campground, spending time with friends around a campfire or in the old snack bar, and of course meeting God within the "tabernacle" through the worship, prayer, and teaching.
      My first attendance to LDFC (Labor Day Family Camp) was when I was two months old and aside from the dark year when my parents choose to attend their high school class reunions instead, I have been in attendance every year since. I have so many fond memories there. I remember being the energetic 5 year old running around with my face painted like a butterfly showing off the crafts I had made in class to any appeasing adult who would listen, I remember spending hours on the basketball court pretending to hold my own against Kent Knapp and then rushing off and changing into my dance outfit making it to the meeting just in time to dance with Debby and the dance team, volunteering in the cafeteria with my best friends, the many speakers who have molded my life through their teachings, the worship, the prayer times, the pranks.... I could go on and on and fill up this blog to the extent that no one would ever want to read it again. But as you can imagine it is challenging for me to realize that for the second time in my life I will not being spending this weekend there.
  But it is hardly the end of the world missing LDFC and I find such comfort in knowing that God has brought me to be here in Belgium at this time for a purpose that is continuing to unfold. And my alternative to camp is far from shabby, I get to spend the weekend with the wonderful ladies I work and live with here and of course have the privilege of being Rebecca's "hands and feet". Although we have times such as LDFC that we look forward to with anticipation and look back on with fond memories, we can look forward to each day with the same anticipation because each new day is a new opportunity to know Father more deeply, and we can look back on each day fondly because it has been a day full of experiencing the abundant richness of God's character. When we "huddle" at the end of our day I like to close the day with thanksgiving and in anticipation of the potential the next day holds in knowing God and the richness of His character more.

"and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you maybe be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" Ephesians 3:19
The amplified Bible says, "That you may really come to know-practically, through experience for yourselves-the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge; that you maybe be filled unto all the fullness of God-and may have the richest measure of the divine Presence and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself!"

May we look forward to each day with great anticipation of a day spent getting to know this love that surpasses all understanding!

A tumble down the hill

            As I write I am digging out dirt from beneath my finger nails, and not because my green thumb interests were suddenly awakened. What brought me to the flowerbed this morning was actually another scenario, it was to pull Rebecca out of the flower beds! Let me rewind....
     Rebecca's morning routine always includes her quiet time with God which weather permitting is spent at the bottom of her garden with her Bible, cup of coffee, and slice of toast. As usual Rebecca began to drive her wheelchair down the garden path while I prepared her toast and coffee, once finished I began to follow her down enjoying the garden's morning splendor. Next thing I knew I was watching Rebecca in an effort to avoid the overgrown hydrangea branches drive off the path and topple over the incline into the magnolia bush and flower bed. There she was, face planted in the dirt with her wheelchair on its side and her body half twisted out of it. I can't clearly remember the next moments, it was one of those crisis moments when you go into auto-pilot mode. I know that after confirming that although a bit squished Rebecca was alive, breathing, and talking (all good things) I called for Paul who was with her instantly and then sprinted upstairs to awaken Annie and Naomi for their assistance. Later with half the magnolia bush trimmed away we were able to untangle Rebecca from the chair, bring the chair and Rebecca into a proper position and with the assistance of a neighbor and a sheet lift Rebecca back into her chair and return her to the safety of her bed. Through the entire crisis Paul and Rebecca remained extremely calm, I suppose they are pros when it comes to these types of scenarios.Rebecca's two biggest concerns while laying in the flowerbed (her head at this point in my lap rather than in the dirt) was not being able to have her quiet time and fear of having to return to the hospital. Her concerns towards a hospital visit were put to rest after the doctor visited an hour later confirming that nothing was broken and aside from some intense bruising and soreness Rebecca would be fine (but prayers for her body's recovering are appreciated). We are all amazed at God's protection in allowing Rebeccca to fall into the flowerbed rather than onto the other hard surfaces and protecting her body in a way so that not one bone was broken.
         Recently one might describe Paul and Rebecca as Jack and Jill in reverse. Rebecca falls down the stairs and Paul comes running after her and almost 11 years later Rebecca falls out of her chair and literally down the hill and again Paul comes running after. Yet within each moment of crisis those around them hear them thanking the Lord for His goodness. This perspective is well expressed in Rebecca's book (which can be purchased on Amazon at this link Falling Into Grace-Rebecca Petrie) where she writes,

 "God is always working for our good. He sees the higher good. In the crises as we look to Him and yield He will work. One, at this time is tempted to be angry and run from Him. But if we can turn to Him, into His arms and love, He will reveal Himself and work good in our lives. Looking back today, what a joy it is to see the goodness of God revealed in our lives"
             So if we find ourselves in a crisis situation face down in the dirt unable to move or with things we don't like such as a sore and bruised body we can know that God is always working for our good. We all face realities in life we wouldn't chose and are forced into crises we cannot foresee, but within each situation we can choose to see God working for a higher good and see it as an opportunity to run towards Him.
   Already I can see personally how what could have been a frightening experience turned into an incredilbe learning experience. Seeing the depth of Paul and Rebecca's faith and trust in God through the crisis gave me a greater desire to grow in faith and trust in my relationship with God so that when the next crisis arises I can act with confidence knowing that God is always working for our good. And so in another way God is showing and teaching me things here in a way I could never imagine, even through a tumble down the hill.

The scene of the fall

   

Off Day

     Today is my off day which means I am exempt from any care-giving duties for the entire day. It is good to be able to refresh and get a change of pace, but I am always eager to get back to Rebecca the next day. Usually I prefer to use my off days to get out, hop on a train, and explore some part of Belgium. But last week I came down with a nasty cold that turned into a relentless cough (prayers appreciated) so by the time my off day rolled around I was ready for a day of absolutely nothing. I can't remember the last "nothing" day I have had before now, but I do remember almost coming to the the limit of my energy a few months ago.
       It was the Tuesday of my last week of classes and I had just finished a day of international law and diplomacy classes and was heading into my 4 pm shift at the French restaurant I worked at. What I had expected to be a fairly standard quiet Tuesday evening shift turned into a server's nightmare. We were understaffed and I was the only server on duty, next thing I knew I was being stretched between a table of six in the tower room a table of nine in the chimney room and several other tables outside on the patio. I sprinted around the restaurant running glasses of Cabernet to one table, extra bread to another, attempting to calm down an irritated customer, and then sprinting back to carry out trays of food for the next table. It was complete chaos and I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. That wild evening finally came to a close and as I pulled into my apartment God revealed to me how that night at work was not a far stretch from the chaos my life had become. Over the past year or even years my life had been a combination of a 100 meter dash and a juggling stunt. I sprinted between my jobs, classes, studying, Bible studies, family time,  and church while somehow juggling in some time for friends and a few dating relationships as well. I am sure this frantic pace is familiar to many of you.
        When I sat down with my Dad to discuss and pray over how I was going to choose to spend this next season he asked one question, "Anna, do you feel like you need this year to be one of rest?" My eyes instantly teared up as I realized that the pace of my life had squelched out an ability to be at peace, to hear Gods whispers, and to rest in Him. It wasn't that any of the things I did was wrong or even that my lifestyle was wrong, but I knew I needed a season of rest until I could learn to completely rest in God through the chaos. And that is exactly what I have been given here, a season of rest. Not that everyday is spent laying around doing nothing, but it is here that my soul can be at rest and I can hear God's whispers as I rest in Him. God knows exactly what we need for each season and skillfully coordinates our lives to receive what we need in each season. I am so thankful for this season and know that I can entrust my life to a God who knows better than I what I need in each season. I was overcome with gratitude as I walked through the garden today realizing that God prepares spacious places for us to delight in Him and His creation has He delights in us.
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him" Psalm 62:1

Huddle

         
 "Have you ever noticed how 'huddle' is like a combination of 'hug' and 'cuddle?'" commented Naomi.
             One of the many highlights of returning here has been getting to know and work with my co-caregiver and Canadian friend Naomi. Our parents who are long time friends, were so tickled to learn that their daughters would be here together and it has been wonderful to share so many precious moments together. We were able to take a day off together last week and travel to Brugge where we enjoyed a day of exploring the quaint city and eating frites (fries) and waffles while people watching in the city square. It has certainly been a delight to share so many memories here.

      Some of my favorite memories have come from our time spent preparing Rebecca for bed. Some nights we get quite hyper and poor Rebecca has to put up with our silliness, but she often chooses to join in :) Regardless of the mood of the bedtime routine we end every night with prayer. We have begun to call it our huddle. With Rebecca settled in the middle Naomi and I position ourselves on either side and both place our hands on hers and begin to pray. In a way it does resemble a huddle by both the traditional and Naomi definitions. We have all of our hands together like a football huddle while also being in a half hug/half cuddle position. These are precious moments as we pause to thank God for our day, release our concerns to Him, and cover the household with prayer for the night and the next day. There is so much peace found in ending the day in precious conversation with our Father.

      We continued our Bible study in Ephesians diving into the richness of Ephesians 2. "But God, being rich in mercy, because of his great love...made us alive in Christ. And raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus". Rebecca explained that it was not enough to God to just rescue us from death making us alive in Christ, but that He wanted us to be with him, to sit with him in the heavenly realms, because He wants to be with us. And for Jesus it wasn't enough to him to just die for our sins but that if He is to sit at Fathers' right hand He didn't want to be there without us, without you or without me. We get to be in the huddle with Him and He wants us to be in the huddle with Him. So every evening as we "huddle" before breaking at the end of our days I reflect on the incomprehensible reality that the God of the universe wants me to be in the huddle with Him "in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable richness of his grace" (Ephesians 2:7). How truly blessed I am to be able to look towards each day with the anticipation of being shown the richness of God's grace for today, tomorrow and the ages to come.

Naomi and I on our visit to Brugge

In Brugge, Belgium

Visiting a WWII Cemetery

         During our visit to the De Merode's castle Prince Charles-Louise took us through his expansive forest to a small gated cemetery, the only private WWII cemetery in Europe. The soldiers buried there were found in the surrounding forest after the battle that had occurred there in 1944. This battle ground felt so much closer than the American Civil War and Revolutionary War battlefields I have visited in the US. Although my generation is much farther removed from WWII than those before me, it still feels much closer especially when I remember listening to war stories from a WWII veteran and favorite customer at the restaurant I worked at.
       However, unlike the pride and gratitude felt when visiting US battlefields and cemeteries, I felt such a deep sadness as I walked through the rows of German soldiers reading the names of young men who died at my age or that of my brothers. They died so young and fighting for what? There were tombstones for 14 and then 63 unknown German soldiers, they died and were forgotten. There were also three American soldiers graves that remained, one still unidentified. We were told that they are still attempting to identify the body through DNA testing. But not that of the 77 unknown German soldiers. Reflecting on these unknown and forgotten soldiers reminded me of the passage in Ecclesiastes which says, "but the dead know nothing, they have no further reward, and even the memory of them is forgotten. Their love, their hate and their jealousy have long since vanished." (Ecclesiastes 9:5,6. It all felt so empty and futile.
   Over the past month I have sat almost daily leaning against Rebecca's shoulder and watching as the news flashes images from the horror in Syria to terror in a Colorado movie theater. So much sadness, despair, hurt, and hatred. I can relate to David in the Psalms when he said, " When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God" (Psalm 73:16,17). Till I entered the sanctuary of God....
     Every evening after dinner we would enter the small chapel within the De Merode's castle and pray. Pray for Europe, for Syria, for hearts to be opened towards knowing God. It was so encouraging to unite in prayer for the world. Within this sanctuary I was reminded that God is a God of justice and that one day the earth will be filled with His glory and not human glory pursued by means of hate and greed. It is in entering Gods sanctuary where I can cry out like Peter did saying " Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68). I don't need to live in despair or fear in this hostile world, because I know I can run and cling to the One who has the words of eternal life. And it is through these words that we can find healing and restoration for hurting hearts in a hurting world.

The three American graves

Where your treasure is

Schloss Merode

        
 As I write I am sitting in the window of a 13th century castle near Düren, Germany. Paul and Rebecca are close friends with a truly charming couple, Prince Charles-Louise and Princess Clotilde De Merode who invited Paul and Rebecca and their clan (Annie, Naomi, and I) to visit them in their castle for several days. The De Merodes are one of the most important nobility of Belgium dating back to the Middle Ages. At one point in time the house of Merode's territory extended throughout parts of Germany, Belgium, and the Netherlands. It is a bit overwhelming for me to even try to grasp the amount of history behind this building or the extent of influence this family has had throughout European history.

       It might also seem overwhelming to be interacting with a couple of such influence, but the warmth and humility the Prince and Princess have create an atmosphere that allows us to have very engaging and delightful times together. So while sitting within the walls of this castle surrounded by astounding pieces of artwork and history live a couple who overflow with the joy they have found in their personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Although our lives and backgrounds are entirely different we can share and engage around the common bond of love for God. I have found such depth in the table conversations this week and hope to treasure these moments I have been able to witness here.

    During a dinner their daughter said she would never marry a man with a castle because it is so much work. And she is correct; the work involved in keeping a castle puts any other home improvement project to shame. Prince Charles-Louise's grandfather spent most of his life restoring the castle after its near destruction in WWII. The castle and surrounding property was the site of a battle between the Nazi's and Allies. Apparently the castle switched occupation between the Nazi's and Allies four times and suffered great damage.(I will share more about a visit to the smallest private WWII cemeteries which lies on their property later ). Damage from the bullets still remains around the front door and on some of the towers, a reminder of the violent history that occurred here. 

      In 2000 after almost completely restoring this massive castle the castle roof caught on fire. Although fire trucks were able to restrict the burn damage to the upper levels, the water damage permeated throughout most of the castle. The Prince and Princess have spent the last twelve years working to restore the castle. The exterior is almost complete but most of the interior is still under renovation. They described for us what it was like to watch all their beautiful restoration work and family heritage go up in flames and showed us damaged pieces of valuable artwork and furniture. Then the Prince said, "But we don't take this into paradise with us", what a wonderful perspective! As they continued to share they told of how they found a deeper joy after the fire although they had lost so much, a joy not based on wealth or circumstances, but found in God. They also shared about how the villagers came to help and the strengthening of the community that came about through the tragedy. Their perspective demonstrates where their hearts are, as Jesus says in Matthew 6 "where your treasure is, there your heart will also be". And it was so inspiring to witness how this Prince and Princess have found their true treasure in their relationship with Christ.

           Although their true treasure is in Christ they are good stewards of the heritage they have received. When many may have decided to give up on this mammoth restoration project, they did not, and they have invested so much of their time, energy, and funds into restoring this castle. The devotion they have towards restoring this castle that had almost been destroyed by fire reminds me of the devotion God has towards restoring our hearts, even after they have at times almost been destroyed by jealousy, lust, and hatred. And just as they have gone room by room slowly repairing each part of the castle so too does God go room by room in our hearts slowly repairing a damaged section here and another one there, until we can stand as strong and beautiful handiworks of our Creator. I was reminded of God's declaration in Jeremiah where he says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt" (Jeremiah 31:3,4). Isn't it wonderful to know that just as Prince Charles-Louise and his family did not despair and chose to rebuild this castle so too does God not despair when he sees our damaged hearts? And He chooses to restore and rebuild our hearts and give us the ability to find our true treasure in our relationship with Him.

A slice of heaven..

A slice of heaven on earth

              Yesterday the shy Belgian sun decided to show its face again and give us the opportunity for a lovely afternoon in the garden. The Petrie's garden is stunning, full of roses, hydrangeas, and numerous other flowers whose names remain unknown to me. The sun was warm but there was a strong wind blowing through the garden. I love wind, when I was younger I would dash outside just to run around in it. I felt like that little girl yesterday as I ran up and down Rebecca's garden path soaking in the beauty all around me. "Father planted those trees for me" Rebecca said directing our attention to the tall pines at the bottom of the garden. She said that He knew that after her accident this garden would become a haven for her and that He planted them for her delight. It made me wonder what other ways God is planting trees or seeds that will later be used for our delight. He truly is a loving Father.

      I am not a gardener, but Rebecca has developed an appreciation for flowers in me, especially hydrangeas and I have never seen them more vibrant than they are this summer. The beauty of Gods creation really does take my breath away. Here are some pictures of these gorgeous flowers.

  The only threat to the beauty of the garden are the slugs..........Thankfully we had a nifty little booklet to help us annihilate them. Warning: If you have a soft spot for slugs I would not recommend reading any further!

The book did not include squishing them under a wheel chair so we though we would give it a try....

It is not polite to track in slug guts so we were quick to remove the evidence....

And many tears were shed......out of remorse or laughter? Well that is up to you to decide. I apologize if your view of me is forever tainted because of this incident. Or blame it on the quadriplegic...maybe if you were paralyzed you would also find a strange sort of satisfaction in squishing slugs. But I must admit it was my idea.
            Regardless it was a lovely afternoon spent with Rebecca full of joy and laughter as we soaked in the beauty of creation in her garden which is like a slice of heave on earth (minus the slugs).

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge" Psalm 19:1,2

Helpless

Helpless, that is how I feel when I find myself holding Rebecca's hand at 2:30 am and she is wide awake because of the burning nerve pain she sometimes experiences in the night. There is only so much my care-giving tricks can do, I can give her a drink, pain medications, adjust her blankets and pillows, and massage her legs and feet. But many times that is insufficient in making her comfortable and I feel like a failure and completely helpless. It is difficult for me to not allow my frustrations from my inability to solve the problem override the patience and compassion I need in those moments, and it is only God's grace that gives me the ability to remain patient and compassionate. I can be the type of person that when there is a problem I want to solve it, when something is broken I want to fix it, and when someone is feeling bad I want to make them feel better. But there are times like that evening where I hit a wall and realize that there is nothing I can do on my own to help them but to pray.
       I realized that this is often how I approach my life. When there is a problem I try to solve it, when something is broken I try to fix it, and when I or someone else feels badly I try to make everyone feel better. But then I hit a wall where I realize I am incapable, I get frustrated and feel like a failure and often times get angry at God for bringing me into a situation that I can't handle. But these are the situations that God must  bring me to in order to humble and remind me that I don't have to be Miss Self-Sufficient all the time or solve everything by myself. It is when I hit these walls that He reminds me that "apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). And it is here that I find such freedom knowing that my ability to do anything relies entirely on my ability to remain in Christ. I am grateful for these "helpless" situations that remind me how incapable I am but how capable God is. About a month ago I graduated with this verse written on my cap as an anthem of the past years...I think I'll keep it as I enter into this new season as well.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" John 15:5

Drinking from a fire hydrant

       Do you ever stoop down to drink out of a fountain only to get hit with a force like that of a fire hydrant? Maybe not....but that is the closest analogy I can come up with to describe what these weeks here have been like. I came with an expectancy of being refreshed by the love and grace that flows through this household from the Father but have been overwhelmed by how God has chosen to lavish His love on me.
            It is hard to pinpoint a single moment that captures the essence of what I experience here, but maybe a few highlights of the week can give a better glimpse.
          Rebecca, Naomi, and I returned to Ephesians on Saturday for our impromptu Bible studies. Rebecca is such a gifted teacher and I can see why the enemy would want to destroy that ability by causing her to fall and break her neck while hosting a Bible study.....but he didn't know her or her Father who holds her life in His hand. I wanted to pinch myself to see if I was awake when I found myself at the feet of this quadriplegic, hanging on every word as she described the joys of knowing Father and how that surpasses any other desires for her life. It is an incredible privilege to be able to learn from Rebecca during this season.
       One of my favorite parts about being here is witnessing the beautiful (that word is inadequate) relationship between Paul and Rebecca. While hosting some friends for dinner Paul described how he and Rebecca "are more in love now than we have ever been" and this is obvious by the way their eyes shine when they see each other, when they kiss good morning, when they tease each other, in the way they speak of each other, and in the thousands of other ways they demonstrate their love for each other. During another dinner party Paul, holding Rebecca's hand, shared about the accident and finding "the love of his life" unconscious at the foot of the stairs and the subsequent journey they have traveled together over the past decade. This beautiful example of true love is also such a testament of their ability to love each other out of the love they receive from abiding in Christ. Their love increases my desire to receive that ability to love by also abiding in Christ.
    But not every moment is one of deep reflection or study. In fact what gets us through most of the days is laughter. Rebecca has an incredible sense of humor and loves to tease. I can't even remember what it was that triggered her but we found ourselves in a slap happy mood laughing until we cried. She may be practically paralyzed from the neck down but she is quick to find the upper hand causing me to choose my words very wisely when teasing her. When she says something extremely witty or sharp she'll say "oh the devil made me say that" but it makes everyone laugh....so I doubt that is true. There was lots of laughter as we consumed the best midnight snack last week when Caleb allowed her to sample some of his famous ginger snaps while also giving her the inside scoop of some of his experimental cookies that were later used as a practical joke on Paul and Mary. It is hard, no impossible to accurately describe the joy found in sitting around her bed at midnight laughing, joking ,and eating. The amount of joy she has is contagious causing most of our days to filled with lots of laughter. Which is good because I like to laugh :)
       "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that you may know him better" Ephesians 1:17. And that is my desire that my life may be in pursuit of knowing this God who gives us the ability to love as He loves, who gives us joy and laughter, and who chooses to lavish us with love and grace with a force like that of a fire hydrant.
   

Things I don't like

      One of my main duties here includes being on call for Rebecca during the night and helping shift her body in the middle of the night to keep her comfortable. This provides the opportunity for precious time with Rebecca, but it is also often during the night that she experiences more pain.
     During one of these shifts I was called down around 4:00 am. As I was adjusting Rebecca's blankets and helping make her comfortable she made a comment about disliking how her hand cramps up I was half listening (remember it was 4:00 am) until she dropped one of her many nuggets of insights that I will never forget. She said, "there are lots of things I don't like.....(pause) and I need to thank Jesus for them".
        It is so easy for me to daily make a list of things I don't like. Recently that would have included exasperating professors, annoying drivers, grumpy customers, tired feet etc. But my list looks flimsy in comparison to Rebecca's which could include being paralyzed from the neck down, yet she chooses to thank God for all the things she doesn't like. Like Paul in Philippians 4:12,13 she has "learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want" because she finds her strength in God.
          I believe I got a glimpse of that secret of being content in any and every situation, that secret includes thanking God for all the things we don't like and finding our source and strength in him. So when I come across things I don't like I can be thankful in the knowledge that it isn't the things I like or don't like that satisfy me but the peace and joy found in my relationship with my Father.

"My treasure"

             
      "My treasure" is one of the ways Susanna (Rebecca's daughter) refers to her adorable daughter Marta. It has been delightful to have this very intelligent two-year old around this week and we have quickly become close friends. But it is even more delightful to watch Paul and Rebecca's faces light up when their granddaughter walks into the room. From Rebecca's vantage point in bed Marta is this curly red head that hops around the room chattering about everything she sees and does. Recently Marta has become an excellent tea party hostess. She received an adorable toy tea set from Mary and has hosted several of these tea parties on Rebecca's lap. She delicately pours the "tea" adds "cream" and "sugar" and warns her guests that the mint tea might be hot! She has also recently taken an interest in care-giving. She has become my little shadow and is very helpful in giving Rebecca a drink of water and wiping her face and any other care-giving tasks she can do. Each day is full of precious moments as she is nurtured by her strong and loving mother and grandparents. What wonderful parenting and grand-parenting she has! One of the most precious moments is when her Oma (Rebecca) tells her stories. Marta hangs on every word as Rebecca tells her stories from her own childhood or about Susanna and the boys. It has been a pure joy to witness these precious moments.

           I know it seems cliche but there is always so much I learn from little children and Marta is no exception. When Susanna calls Marta "my treasure" Father reminds me that I am his treasure, when Marta is lovingly disciplined by her mother and threatens to run away to Montenegro (yes this two-year old knows how to say Montenegro!) I am reminded of how Father lovingly disciplines me and patiently explains why I should not run away to my Montenegros, and when I witness how Paul and Rebecca delight in their granddaughter I am reminded how Father delights in me.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you" Zephaniah 3:17

Story time with Oma

Home away from home

     It has been almost a week since I arrived here in Belgium and it is certainly wonderful to be back at my home away from home. This is my third term as a caregiver for Rebecca, but it has been almost three years since I was last here and I was just overjoyed to return. When I arrived Rebecca was at the bottom of the garden where she likes to spend her quite times,  I felt like a child running down the stairs on Christmas morning as I went to the bottom of the garden to greet her. She is such a delight and I feel incredibly privileged to serve her.

   The household here is busy and recently has had a number of friends in and out. It has been great reuniting with friends from my previous trip like Annie, Mary, and Susanna. As well as meeting and making friends with the departing Haven and Tess and making new friends with Susanna's adorable children Fillip and Marta and my wonderful co-caregiver Naomi. It has also been fun to represent Ohio with Caleb.

     Sunday was my 22nd birthday and I began the day doing one of my favorite things, which is caring for Rebecca. I was given my first of many birthday serenades from Paul and Rebecca when I entered her room to help get her up and shortly afterwards I received another birthday song from two-year old Marta. Later in the morning while most of the household was at church, Rebecca did a little Bible study with Naomi and I. We began Ephesians and I was overwhelmed with gratitude as the passage reminded me how we were chosen before the creation of the world to be pure and blameless before God and that is was his pleasure to make this possible by adopting us as sons and daughters through Christ Jesus. Later we had a lovely birthday celebration and I felt incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people. To top off the day we watched the Euro Cup Final (Europe's Super Bowl) between Italy and Spain, the game itself was a blow out but the trash talk between Susanna and Rebecca was quite entertaining. I was able to end the day the way I started it, caring for Rebecca. As I left her room after the midnight turn I felt in awe of God's perfect guidance in my life. He knows exactly what I need in this season and has brought me to a place where I can be at rest and experience his joy as I serve Rebecca.

"I run in the path of your commands for you have set my heart free" Psalm 119:32

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